Dear Dumb Self

Well, well , well…aren’t we full of ourselves these days!

I am not sure if you get it but there is no room for you in my body.  You think you can occupy all sorts of space between my belly and my ribs forever but you can’t. When you do sneak up on me with that all consuming bear hug like grip you have…I no longer have fear!  I have GAS EX!  It’s brilliant!  PLUS I have Food Combining!

Have you heard of food combining?

If not, you should really check out this site: www.greattastenopain.com — I know at least 2 people who have won the battle against bloating for good with this system!  It could be the death of you too.  Both of them have reversed years of pain and suffering from bloating.  One has even lost a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time.

I don’t KNOW this site myself.  Nor do I know the system that these people are using but their suffering is gone.  They have learned how to get rid of bloating and they are happier for it.

If I could get rid of you too – a lot of my others issues would surely go away too!

If I were you – - I would lighten up and lay low for a while before I really do take you down myself! I know you don’t want that!

You know what!  It’s been at least a week since you have been here and I was really enjoying the peace and quite.

Just because you let me spend some time with Menstrual Cramps you think you have a right to be here again and I don’t think it’s cool.  I  have never wanted you around.  Neither of you.  I thought I asked you both to leave a LONG time ago.

I work hard at trying at least.

So if you do have any desire to allow me some sanity and dignity in life, would you mind doing me a favor?  Can you please take your friends menstrual cramps, menstrual cycle, psychological drama, physiological discomfort and borderline schitzo with you when you go next time…I have no place for any of you and life seems way to cluttered when you are around.

My husband certainly doesn’t enjoy the mess any of you leave and neither do my kids.  Given my lack of desire to clean – I think it’s safe to say I don’t like the mess either.  Clearly none of you are wanted here.  You are certainly never invited and everyone around ME could do without you.

I think it’s time you take a hint and find a way to dissipate with a quickness before I get angry with you.

Thanx.

You are a real pain you know that!  You are like a thorn in my side, a kick in the gut, a torn appendix and quite frankly I very much dislike you!

I never knew you when I was a young girl.  Before the age of 30 you were simply a RUMOR made up by other girls whom (I thought) needed an excuse to get out of stuff. But since getting to know you myself I really have to let you know that you are NOT fun to hang out with.

When I am with you I don’t want to do anything but lie down and sleep my sorrows away. When I am with you I need to be HEAVILY medicated to feel remotely calm.  When I am with you I am miserable.

I know your visits are always short but seriously – anytime now  – is a GOOD time for you to bounce.

Please don’t come back next month either…or the month after that – there is no place for you in my life.  Got it?!!! Good!

Listen, I KNOW I am not fat!  135-140 lbs @ 5.3″ still puts me in the average weight range.  NO I am not skinny….compared to those who are priviledged enough to be in the 110-125 range…BUT GEEZ do you REALLY have to make me THINK that I am over weight?

I don’t think it’s polite that you have to rub together like you are trying to start a fire.  I am not a fan of the idea that sparks might accidentally appear between my legs at any moment.  I don’t like that in tight pants, shorts or leggings you have to make your presence be known (even if only a little).

For these same reasons I have a very difficult time choosing the right pants and most of my shirts are long.  Granted, it’s summer time and pants are not very logical with this crazy heat…but if you could – find your way out of the picture, perhaps taking up homage somewhere in the upper ass area so that my booty can get a little lift (though not a sag) I would most definitely appreciate it.

Thanx.

P.S. I do recall a moment in my early 20′s when the Susan Summer’s Thigh Master was the ABSOLUTE best workout for your region….I might just dust it off and start up again if you are not going to consider this proposal of mine.

WOW! It’s never nice to wake up with a stranger ON YOUR FACE!  Why are you here? I KNOW I didn’t invite you! Just like morning breath, you are not welcome!  You are nasty, you are disgusting and I wish there was a magic eraser to wipe you out! But wait, there is!!!!

I want you to know that you and any of your little friends to follow will soon find it difficult to set up camp on my face (or anywhere else for that matter) EVER AGAIN!.

Best Beauty Book!

I have recently acquired the Little Black Book Of HollyWood Beauty Secrets and there is NOTHING BETTER than the natural skin care remedies inside this GEM!

Every celebrity that matters to a girl has revealed their best beauty secrets!  Its incredible how much value there is in this tiny little handbook.  From store bought products to natural, organic blends you can make from home – there is simply NO MATCH FOR YOU!

All I have to do is decide which great pimple treatment I will give you!!! Soon your reign of sheer terror will be over.  I will go back to living a life free of blemishes and you will merely be a bad memory.

Great work this month!  Having now been off Pepsi (or any pop) for over a month – and having endured the great (but wonderful) pains of  the Miles Of Fitness Bootcamp you are finally moving!  It’s incredible how lazy you had become!  I thought I was lazy but you were REALLY bad!

So now that you are active again…how do you feel?  Do you feel better?

I think I feel better that’s for sure.  It makes me happy to know that you are no longer sitting back, complaining about how crappy your world is and not doing anything about it.  It was pretty depressing before.

Now that you are busy, I can’t say that I miss you.  In fact, I am happier with you now than I ever have been.  So thanx for shaping up and shipping out.  I appreciate it. Keep up the activity.  It looks good on you.

(Now if you can only tell me slow weight loss to speed up like you did – that would be PERFECT!)

I THOUGHT you and I had an agreement that you would get lost!  But low and behold I was wrong!  2 days ago I thought I lost at least 5 pounds of you and guess what I found on my scale today?  YEP!  You got it – your stupid 5 pounds!  What is your issue?  Why do you keep coming back? Why do you like hanging out with me so much?

I know I am kind of fun.  I also heard twice today that I am a HERO to others…BUT….

I never invite you anywhere!  Isn’t it kind of lame for you to keep tagging along. No one likes extra weight at a party.  It’s embarrassing.  Especially for you.  The only thing people look at IS YOU!

Also, I should tell you now that you are back that you still CANNOT BORROW MY CLOTHES!   I buy skinny jeans so that neither you nor your idiotic looking friend MUFFIN TOP can’t fit into them. You BOTH must know by now that  I DON’T LIKE SHARING my clothes.  Encroaching on my fashion is personal.  Don’t you get it? You are such a jerk!

In all seriousness though…I know the host of the TV series The Last 10 Pounds – - and you are getting dangerously close to getting the beating of a life time from this friend AND me if you don’t find your way out of my life before Christmas.  I will make the call!  I’ve had enough.

By this point I just consider you dead weight.  All 15 pounds of you.  I will defeat you!  I swear!

Get LOST fatso!

Why didn’t you think of these Drunk History movies?    They are BRILLIANT.  Can you see MY belly?  And this Drunk History with Will Farrell  – - what can I say.. Did  I take my pants off?  Oh yeah, I am wearing a dress! LMFAO. And yet another great…Drunk History with Jack Black!  OMG! The whole thing is  ….  AWESOME!

Dumb self…why didn’t you do this – you have consumed plenty of alcohol in the past.  Oh wait, you don’t know famous people do you? Nor do you know your politics or history like these people.  PLUS when you are drunk you just go around telling everyone how much you love them. Maybe that’s why.  YOU SUCK DUMB SELF!

I hear you.  All the time.  Your voice is constantly mulling around in my head.  Everything you say is right there – right in front of me.  It’s a little odd to me that you have so many sides to you though.  Some moments you are as happy as a clam (if they are really happy) and other moments you sound like you are in some awkward battle with some hidden chamber in the brain.

Do you really feel that isolated?  I guess its lonely in there.  Wherever it is you reside. But what I want to know is what exactly it is you are trying to accomplish.  I know that you seek peace and quiet – yet you love the fast pace of big city living, you MUST have your music and movies loud and you need to constantly be doing something so what exactly is it that you are trying to say.  REALLY?  What is it that you want?

Talk to me.

Some might think it’s sad that you get your inspiration from books or novelty quotes from sources like: Happy Bunny, Judy Blume (anything), Adrian Mole, Dork Diaries, Diary of A Whimpy Kid….etc.

Then again some might also think its sad that on the flip side you are a crazy little genius reading self help, positive thinking, law of attraction and other secret books on how the universe REALLY works.  It sort of defeats the purpose.  OR DOES IT????

I’d like to tell you that for those same reasons, writing to you is very therapeutic. On one hand I am worried about how twisted you are…but on the other handed almost every brilliant icon who ever became famous was a little eccentric too.  So why not you?  You are okay aren’t you?